My Sara....

When I was a little girl, about 6 years old, I started dreaming of the day I would get to have a little sister. I would lay in my bed at night and think of all the fun things I would do with her. Girl stuff. We would play hopscotch on the sidewalk with giant pieces of chalk. Play house and have tea parties with our dolls. Do each others hair and make up that would go with the perfect outfit, go to the drug store and drink strawberry sodas, tell and keep each others secrets, sneak out of the house, just once, just to see if we would get caught, go to dances together, have slumber parties every night and talk about boyfriends and dream about our future families.

I remember a little ache that would creep into my belly as I would watch some of my friends interacting with their sisters. I wanted one of those so much and sometimes when the ache got bad enough, I would cry and cry until it felt better.

I remember telling my mom (almost everyday) for my desire to have a sister. She told me that there was nothing that she could do about it (she had two miscarriages) and that I better go and pray for one. So EVERY night without fail, I prayed that my mom would be able to have a baby and it would be, a girl.

What I didn't know, at the time, was that my mom had a desire to have another daughter, and when she was born, her name was going to be...Sara.

My prayer was answered when I was 26 years old. On June 25th, 6 1/2 years ago, Sara was born into our Family when Doug married her.

She is everything I dreamed a sister would be. We go shopping, and she tells me what is cute. She shows me all the clearance end caps at every store and introduced me to the Target dollar section. I cannot go into a TJ MAXX or Marshals and not think of her. She makes me feel good about being a mom and gives me tips on how to raise kids- not vocally but by example. I know I say this all the time but she is the BEST mom. She is one phone call away when I am struggling with anxiety and depression and tells me that I am someday not going to have this. She drinks Dr Pepper while I have a Cherry Coke. We go to parks and eat sandwiches and laugh. I have had the most embarrassing moments with her (cute cat!) and treasured moments with her -Luke's Ultrasound.

I feel so deep for her and know it isn't by "chance" that Sara became my sister.

And if I could fix her ache of losing Luke, I would in an inth of a second. I feel the pain for her 1000 times more than I thought was possible and I will be here to carry her for as long as it takes because she is my little sister, and I love her.

Learning...

I have so much inside of me and am finding that the only way to release it, is to write. Bare with my ramblings.

I feel like most everything that has happened since January 19th is so insignificant. I have had a attitude of truth that has erupted inside me and with that being said, it's plain and simple. Life is hard.

I wish so badly that I could take turns with everyone who loves Sara and Doug take this away from them. The first day it would be my turn, then the next day it would be someone else's turn. Each day we take this burden and would lighten this load until one day it was bearable and we could turn it back over to them. I know that this is how the atonement works when we hand it over.

I found a quote on someones blog who lost a little boy. It is a different perspective of time and helped me understand it better.

"If only we could fully PIERCE through time, and sense the eternities in WHOLE, we would see that without time, there is no past, or future, or present. That our little ones have never left us. It really is only time that separates us... "

I love the thought that Luke is around us (especially his mom, dad and brothers) and has never left and that is a comfort.

I am so grateful for tools that we have accumulated in our toolbox to be used in this journey we call life. Some tools we get from past experiences and some tools we may even need to borrow from others. Some tools we need to replace, and others we need to sharpen. Some tools are fancy while others are quite simple. Some tools we pay a hefty price for while others are given to us. Some tools come in the form of family and close friends, and some tools we have no idea how to use until a certain circumstance arises. Soon we get an abundance of tools and eventually are able to share ours with others. By the end of our life, our toolbox becomes one of our most prized possessions and is literally priceless.

I hold one tool precious to me above all others and that is my knowledge and my testimony of the of the gospel of Jesus Christ. That, sprinkled with a dash of sense of humor will help in this mortal journey. It will not take hurt and pain away, but it will lighten the load.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those that love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Joseph B. Wirthlin

I am looking forward to that great reunion and will forever anticipate that day of rejoicing.

My Heart...

...is in Arizona.

Brothers.

At the graveside service, Tanner, Jake, and Mikey were given 3 white balloons. They let them go and we watched them go all the way up to Luke, in heaven. I love Sara in the background. It was a happy moment.

My mom came across this quote and it reminded us so much of these boys and their relationship with each other.

"If your alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a brother, I'll just be me." -unknown

But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

Mosiah 16:8

And As the Story Goes...He Lives Happily Ever After.

Unlike many stories that involve tragedy… mine has a happy ending. In fact, it is so happy that some could say it is a fairy tale.…and the best part? My story is true.

Rewind one week. One week. Our family was at the Denver Rodeo enjoying a fun family day that came crashing down with one phone call. I noticed I had a missed call from Sara and several from my mom. I immediately called Sara back and when Doug answered I knew something bad was wrong. In my entire 30 years I have known my brother, I had never heard his voice like this. In between panic and sobs he pleaded with us to get down on our knees and pray for our sweet Luke. We were on the second floor of the stock show and found the quietest place we could find as fast as we could. With tears streaming down our cheeks our family of four knelt down by the tractors and started to beg for Luke’s miracle.

That afternoon, Sara had put baby Luke down for a nap. She went to check on him 20 minutes later and found his body was limp and he was not breathing. Her motherly instincts kicked in full force and she began giving him CPR. She revived Luke and the paramedics were on their way.

After Luke was admitted into the hospital they were able to stabilize him. He was in critical condition but he was stabilized. The next 24 hours were the most agonizing hours of my life and I know it wasn’t even a fraction of the pain that Doug and Sara were going through. Prayer after prayer, we were so hopeful.

A miracle took place that night. Luke hung on. Despite all the odds that were stacking up against him.…Luke hung on for his mom and dad.

We then received a call from Doug. After all the Doctors had been able to do all that they could for sweet Luke, he had irreversible damage and was not going to make it. My body went numb and I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. No, this could not be happening to my family. Sara was the best mom I knew, from the time the doctors put Tanner in her arms, I knew I wanted to be just like her.

We were on the first flight out in the morning. This can’t be real. The flight was a blur and then we were at Doug and Sara’s house. I ran to Doug and held onto him. I looked up and that is when I saw Sara. We embraced forever. I have never grown to love anyone more than I do this girl. In fact, words cannot describe the love I have for her. With every ounce of my being, I feel connected to her as if we were bonded by steel fibers that are impossible to cut through. I can only imagine what her twin sister, Melissa feels.

From the second I arrived, I could feel the love pour in and the peace that enveloped their family. Act after act of kindness was all that I had witnessed. I was so humbled and learned so much. Every flower, every card, every meal, every bake sale, every hug and tear shed on their behalf means so much.

Saturday came and I’m not going to lie, It was hard. But with opposition in all things it was also one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever been a part of. In fact, it changed my life. In our church we believe in the plan of happiness. And if we do all that we can do keep our promises to Heavenly Father, we know that after this life, we will be able to be with Luke again.

I imagine holding Luke with my arms outstretched above my head and twirling him in a big beautiful green field, immersed with tall blue flowers that sway back and forth in a warm breeze intertwined with the most amazing sunset all around us. Doug and Sara with their boys and the rest of our families will be there. The most intense feeling of love will be present and it will never have to go away. And of all the sweetest and purest images that I can conjure up in my mind, I know it will be even better.

I’m in the running for favorite Aunt. I have some pretty stiff competition and a lot of work ahead of me and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with Luke and my family forever. And the reason this story has such a happy ending? Because it is so very possible. Families ARE forever. And Luke will live happily ever after with Heavenly Father, his mom and dad and brothers and all of his extended family and loved ones.

Oh Luke, I sure love you.

Luke James Cardon

October 31, 2010- January 19, 2011

"The Crown Without the Conflict"

Even though this story has a happy ending, my heart is breaking and I am aching for Doug and Sara. Please pray for them.

Number 61!

Cheers to the most HILARIUS thing I have witnessed this year! Out of control flying monkeys trying to learn the game of basketball.

I am looking forward to an interesting season and LOVE watching this kid!

He had his own cheering section at his first game, both sets of grandparents, Uncle Joel and Aunt Lisa, Cole, Cara, Dad, Mom, and Kendall.

We watched in all the confusion and excitement-Nathan sink two shots!

Getting Older is GREAT!

I'm a rare oddity that LOVES birthdays! I also love to document them! So with that being said...

By the time I was finished working out, I came home to a CLEAN and picked up house. Justin had decorated the dining room, complete with place cards and streamers, and my favorite...orange french toast with buttermilk syrup!

After that I had a presidency meeting with another breakfast! Cinnamon rolls, quiche, muffins and orange juice. Delish!

Next was lunch- it's all about the food people! Chick-fil-a with dear friends and cousins, plenty of chit chat and sweaty kids from all that playing in the oven of a playground.

Then it was off to the cake reveal. My sister-in-law had spent her morning making me a cake fit for a queen. She had interviewed me about my favorite things and fit the cake exactly to my personality. A three layered devils food mountain of goodness complete with coconut bits of heaven and a sparkler candle. A great surprise!

Last we met Mammy and Papa at PF Changs, got right in and ate some more! I know this sounds crazy but by the time we got home I still had room for some Angel Food Cake with strawberries and Whip Cream!

The kids came running in with little packages eager for me to open them. Surprisingly, it was not something to eat!

Simple Pleasures.

Giggling over some hot chocolate disusing the days events with your Mammy.

A gift for my little guy that all the money in the entire world could never buy.

Kendall Bug is a SUNBEAM!

Wow! I wish I could say that Kendall transitioned so well, but I can't.

Even though I'm in primary almost the whole time with Kendall, he was not up for leaving his mom and sitting by his teacher, much less going to his class. He is pretty lucky to have Brother and Sister Donaldson to be his teachers, but it's going to take a few more weeks for him to love it.


By the time church was over, all the tears were dried and he was all smiles! Progress.

We went outside to find a surprise of fresh white snow covering everything. It was such a clean and pure covering that I couldn't help but be so grateful and felt we were at the right place at the right time despite bumps in the road!

Learn To Ride A Bike....Check.

I was so excited to find these pictures and video on Justin's phone!

This fall we took the kids with their bikes to our favorite park. Nathan has been trying to learn on a bike that is too big and it's been frustrating for him.

Our favorite park just happens to have short grassy flat surfaces with mild hills. Time after time, either Justin and I would hold his bike and go along side him with each turn ending up in a small crash.

At this park he was able to ride on the grass and get some courage, because even if he fell it would not hurt as much as if he was on the concrete. (Most of the time he wore a helmet, I don't know why he is not wearing it in these pictures- I think I was too excited to care.)

It was time to let go and see if he could do it. He went about 15 feet all by himself! Justin and I were jumping up and down screaming! Nathan was elated!

We took turns running beside him hooting and doing the victory dance with him! Even the other people at the park were getting in on the excitement celebrating with us.

After about 7 good runs, Nathan had a disastrous accident. Yes, he was wearing his helmet. He was going 90 mph out of control and hit a "pothole" in the grass and flipped over Justin's head. I almost passed out watching the whole thing as it happened about 25 yards away. The air was knocked out of him and I was waiting for Justin to tell me we needed to call 911. After the longest 10 minutes he was up and ready for another try.

All was well. Whew, another moment I hope NEVER repeats itself!


We have added this experience to Nathans fulfilling list of firsts.