The Boy I Love....

(I was blacking out like crazy while doing my toes so Justin helped me.)

When I was married almost 12 years ago I remember thinking how could I possibly love Justin anymore than I already do right now?  I remember thinking my heart couldn't hold one more ounce of love, happiness, and pure joy towards him.  I was IN LOVE!

Fast forward to the present date.  I never imagined our life unfolding the way it has.  I had a plan for us and our family and it was amazing, but I learned something.  Someone else had a plan for us and our family and though it's been tough it has brought UNBELIEVABLE joy.

It has stretched my relationship with Justin in ways I never knew existed.  A tight, deep bond has been forged and roots have intertwined so deep that there is no way to measure.  There is no earthly machine that could sever the link between him and I.  It is something great enough to last into the eternities.  Literally, forever.

While I was cracking, he has been solid.  He has let me borrow his faith and let me lean on his testimony.  He has given me healing energy and let me suck out reservoirs of love that have helped me stand. 

I feel so much love towards him that I could burst and if you told me 12 years ago that my feelings for Justin would be stronger, deeper, and more vibrant, I would have replied that there is no way that could be possible.

I was so wrong.

Justin is:

the chalk to my sidewalk

the frosting on my cupcake

the smile to my day

the 4X4 drive in the snow

the dance in the rain

the flutters in my stomach

the calm to my anxiety

the sparkles in my glitter

the french to my dip

the streamers to my party

and

the constant on my journey

(A bit of fun Kendall and I had waiting for Justin to come home from work complete with a Kendall hand print.)

Little Boy Love

 On Saturday we decided to work on Valentine boxes.  I spray painted a hot chocolate and a Kleenex box and added some scary teeth while the boys decked them out with spots, eyes, and a tongue.

They worked on their Valentines for their class at the beginning of the month.  Nathan gave thumb wrestling ones with tattoos of wrestlers that go on your thumb and Kendall decided that he would go for spider man pencil Valentines.

When Nathan got home from school, Kendall and I had the table decorated with hearts, chocolate sprinkle marshmallows, and their new Valentine chair backer bags... that has taken 3 years to make and my sweet friend so graciously ended up sewing.
 

Kendall's Tooth

 Some exciting stuff around here!  Kendall lost his very first tooth!

Justin tied some floss around around the wiggly guy and Kendall gave two yanks.  On the second one, it popped right out. We got it all on video and can't stop cheering for him.

The tooth fairy dumped off some change and Kendall can't stop brushing his teeth.  He wants them all to be white and shinny so that he can get top dollar!

Do I Have Any Faith?

Today, when I woke up, I opened my eyes and evaluated the way I was feeling.  Was today the day that I would wake up and this would be over?

Checking for improvements and hopeful I sat up.  My feet hit the floor and I started to blackout.  I stumbled into the bathroom to put in my contacts, popped them in and got a sinking feeling that pierced my heart.  I felt the same as I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.

Hot little tears started to stream down my cheeks.  The ones that are packed full of every kind of emotion.  The kind that flow from exhaustion and discouragement, the kind that are full of physical and emotional pain. The kinds that are full of gratitude for priceless lessons that have been learned, and the ones that fill up your eyes and start spilling over every time you think of prayers and thoughts that have been uttered in your behalf. A very humbled feeling swept over my pity party and...

I started to question my faith.  Really question it.

Shouldn't I be better than I am by now?

And then I felt really guilty for even questioning this and guess what?  It's not the first or even second time I've questioned.  More guilt. (That dang Satan.)

Almost undoable, I put one foot in front of the other and started going on with my day.  I started to think of all the little things that each of us do every day that requires faith and we don't really even think twice about it.

The first thing I did was turn on the light.  We have to have faith to know that when we flip that switch a bright light will fill the room and help us see.  If we didn't have automatic faith, we wouldn't even bother to turn it on.

What about putting in your contacts?  You have faith that these plastic circles will help you see better. Do you use moisturizer? Faith to help us with our present and future wrinkles.

I fixed the boys cream of wheat for breakfast and passed out the vitamins, having faith that someday in the future these things would help keep them healthy.  I poured Nathan a glass of Gatorade having faith that it would hydrate him after a night of the stomach flu.

I put in a load of laundry having automatic faith that the washer would clean the clothes and they would come out dry when I pulled them out of the dryer.

I chugged a really green juice not thinking about it at the time but automatically having faith that it would somehow heal my cells.

I broke up a fight between the boys, sat down with them and talked it out having faith that if they could "make up" and forgive each other, maybe, just maybe they could be close friends when they are older.

I hit the floor.  It was time for another prayer, another plea.  I prayed hoping and having faith it would be enough to get me through the next hour.

I looked up faith on lds.org and it said this:

"Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though we do not understand all things, He does. Because He has experienced all our pains, afflictions, and infirmities, He knows how to help us rise above our daily difficulties (see Alma 7:11-12; D&C 122:8). He has “overcome the world” (John 16:33) and prepared the way for us to receive eternal life. He is always ready to help us as we remember His plea: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36)."

Wow.

After reading this I began to ponder the level of my faith. Most days I feel like I'm in Kindergarten.

Faith for some does not come easy.  Just like prayer, it requires work.  Sometimes a lot of work.  But if we are willing it is promised that we can increase our faith.

And I was wishing that my little acorn seed was already a huge beautiful oak tree with strong branches, a wide trunk and thick sturdy roots.

I know I want my faith to grow to be steady and unwavering and unimaginably tangible and exactly like the kind I read about today.

 I have a long way to go but I was able to answer my morning question, Do I have any faith?

Yes, I have the "automatic" kind and a growing acorn's seed worth. 

And now the tears are happy.